


Tony Stark: Accidental Yente

by psalmoflife



Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Community: trope_bingo, F/M, M/M, Mistletoe, Potential Dub-Con, get-together
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-13
Updated: 2013-04-13
Packaged: 2017-12-08 08:10:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/759102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/psalmoflife/pseuds/psalmoflife
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony- accidentally!- creates sentient mistletoe with the power to hold people in doorways until they kiss someone. When everyone pairs off to make sure they don't get stuck, Clint and Phil are the only two without partners. This is only a problem for Phil because he wants to kiss Clint for real.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tony Stark: Accidental Yente

**Author's Note:**

> POTENTIAL TRIGGER WARNING: I am not using the archive warning for non/dub-con because there is exactly one on-camera kiss that could be considered undesired, and neither character has a serious problem with it. (The characters who are uncomfortable with the forced kissing manage to evade it.) However, due to the nature of the magical mistletoe, characters end up kissing when they probably would not have under normal circumstances. Proceed with caution. 
> 
> Credit: I distinctly recall reading several Harry Potter fics back in the day that had magical mistletoe, and at least one that would hold people in doors. However, I could not tell you the names of any of these stories (or even where they were hosted, as this was pre-AO3). In any case, I like to give credit where its due.
> 
> Re: the title- a yente is a matchmaker. Because Tony is absolutely taking credit for all of this. 
> 
> This is being used for my "mistletoe" square at trope_bingo.

Phil wills himself to take a deep breath in through his nose, lets it out through his mouth. Straightens the papers on the table in front of him. Reminds himself that killing Tony is (probably) not a good idea.

“Explain this to me again.” 

\---

“He made mutant mistletoe,” Clint says slowly. “Like, the weird plant thing?”

“Yes.”

Clint stares. “I don’t get it.”

Natasha gives him a despairing sigh. “Tony decided to start doing research on gene manipulation, and started on plants to be humane or something. So he started screwing with mistletoe.” 

“I mean, I get the part where Tony does screwy shit, that’s what he does,” Clint says. “I just don’t understand why we’re worried about mutant mistletoe if it’s not attacking.”

“It’s gone sentient,” Natasha says. “It’s attached itself to doorways- fortunately only in the tower, so far- and it’s holding people hostage.” 

Clint laughs until he sees the deadly serious look on her face. “Nat, it’s a plant. How is it holding people hostage?” 

Natasha shrugs. “I don’t quite understand what he did, although neither does Tony. Just that it somehow has the ability to hold people in the doorway.” 

Clint takes a long look around the room. “So wait, we’re stuck in this room? The doorways aren't safe?” 

“Not exactly. It’ll let you through if you kiss someone.” 

\---

“You sure you want to go down there, Phil?” Jasper, damn him, is giving him a rather constipated face. In Phil’s experience, it’s the face he makes when he wants to laugh but knows it would be inappropriate. 

“Someone needs to help contain the mistletoe to the Tower,” Phil says with a sigh. “And I have a feeling that the team may need some supervision. This much kissing can only lead to trouble.”

“Sounds like you haven’t been kissing the right people.”

Phil only feels a little bit bad when he shoves Jasper sideways and he hits an opening door.

\---

When he gets to the Tower, he is delighted to discover that the mistletoe has not yet spread to the outside doors. JARVIS assures him that liberal use of herbicide seems to be containing the plants’ spread, though not doing anything about the mistletoe that has already taken up residence in a doorway. 

He is not delighted when he has to kiss Bruce to get off the elevator. 

It’s a perfunctory kiss, an annoyed looking Bruce pressing a kiss to the corner of Phil’s mouth with an air that suggests that he’s exceedingly annoyed with the situation and tired of kissing people. 

The lounge is a gradient of annoyance, from an amused Clint to a neutral Natasha to a very, very grumpy Steve. 

(Phil wonders if Steve is going to spend the entire mistletoe takeover in this room so he doesn't have to kiss anyone.) 

“Anything new?” Phil asks.

Tony squirms in his chair a bit, until Pepper kicks his ankle. “Okay, the good news is that they’re only projected to live for twenty-four hours after they attach to a door, and JARVIS has been able to contain the rest of them to the lab until we figure out how to kill them.”

Phil raises his eyebrows. “And the bad news?”

“There’s... absolutely no way to do anything about the mistletoe that’s already up. And there’s no way to escape from them without a kiss.” 

The furrows in Steve’s forehead deepen a little. Phil really does feel bad for the guy; it’s not fun for any of them to be forced into kissing each other, but Steve has the largest personal bubble of any of them and is notoriously tight lipped about anything to do with his personal life. It’s not that he doesn't trust the team, he’s explained, just that he prefers to keep his private life... well, private.

“Anyway,” Bruce says, looking rather resigned, “I think Tony and I should head down to the auxiliary lab to figure out what to do with the rest of it. Annoying as this is, everyone else should probably be on the buddy system. We don’t need someone to get stuck.” 

There’s a long moment of Phil watching Earth’s Mightiest Heroes look at each other without making eye contact. It kind of reminds him of picking lab partners in high school. He lets it go on for a while, then decides to take charge. 

“Tony and Bruce, you two are automatically a pair,” he says. “Does anyone else have plans?”

“Pepper and I are going to the offices,” Natasha says. “She needs to figure out how to handle this if the mistletoe leaves the Tower, and I know the legal team from my undercover assignment.” 

“I intend to stay here,” Thor says. “I wish to respect my relationship with Jane, and will avoid this plant as long as possible.”

“Same,” Steve says. 

Phil takes a quick look around. It looks like they can get to the kitchen and the bathroom unobstructed, so if they don’t mind sleeping on the couches, they might make it through the mistletoe’s lifespan without any more kissing. 

“I need to go down to the range,” Clint says, cutting off Phil’s train of thought. “The new quiver’s been malfunctioning and I’d rather get it figured out now than on a mission.” One side of his mouth quirks up. “Guess that makes you my buddy, sir.” 

Phil swallows, resolutely doesn't start folding and unfolding his hands. Right. He can do this.

\---

They kiss briefly to get onto the elevator, an awkward bump of noses that is rather reminiscent of Phil’s first kiss. The contact is too brief for Phil to really register it as a kiss, but it’s good enough for the mistletoe. He’s grateful for the brevity; it’s a good reminder that it’s not a _real_ kiss. 

They can get off the elevator with no interference, but have to kiss again to get into the range itself. They get the angle right this time, and the narrower doorframe has them pushed a little closer together- not quite touching, other than their lips, but close enough that Phil is hyper aware of the lack of space between them. 

Clint seems calm and focused, fiddling with the quiver with a small screwdriver and muttering under his breath. Sometimes Phil forgets how quiet Clint can be. He spends so much time as the joking extrovert of the group, and fidgets so much during meetings that Maria has accused him of having restless leg syndrome (multiple times, in fact). On the range, when it’s just Clint and his bow, he can be calm. 

Phil’s more than a little pleased that Clint trusts him enough to ignore his presence. 

Phil answers emails on his phone while Clint makes adjustments to the quiver, but is distracted when Clint slings it over his back and picks up his bow. It doesn't matter how many times he sees it, he is always distracted by the sight of Clint shooting. The way every muscle in his body flexes with the draw-and-release movement epitomizes Phil’s perfect physical type, but more importantly, Clint always looks at peace when he shoots. 

Phil makes sure to keep glancing down on his phone, and thinks he’s doing a good job being discreet, until Clint murmurs, “See something you like, sir?” 

That’s the other part of watching Clint shoot, the occasional recognition of- whatever it is, that’s been building between them ever since the official formation of the Avengers, when Phil stopped being Clint’s boss and started being his friend. 

“It’s good to see you relax,” Phil says. It’s an honest and dishonest answer. It _is_ good to see Clint relax, but that’s not the only thing he’s looking at, and Clint knows it. 

He’s surprised when Clint doesn't push the subject, and has a sudden moment of clarity when they try to leave and have to kiss again, and he sees the hopeful look on Clint’s face. Phil thinks he should say- something, anything- but Clint hesitantly reaches for his hand and says, “For real, this time?” 

All the words seem to have fallen out of Phil’s head, so he just nods, and then Clint is leaning towards him- slower, this time- and there’s a quick, tentative brush of their lips, a touch that Phil chases when Clint starts to pull away, drawing him into a longer, wetter kiss. 

Phil isn’t actually sure how long they've been kissing when he hears someone clear their throat from the direction of the elevator. He startles away from Clint, except Clint’s got him pressed against the wall and Phil’s hands are in the back pockets of Clint’s jeans, so there really isn't anywhere for him to go.

Pepper looks incredibly amused as she tells them that Tony and Bruce have figured out how to kill off the quarantined supply of mistletoe, so once the 24 hours is up, they’ll be home free. She gives Phil a wink and pointedly turns her back to go into the elevator. 

Natasha, though- Natasha looks disappointed, and that sends a spike of fear down Phil’s spine. Natasha is Clint’s absolute best friend, his sister in all but blood, and if she disapproves Phil is pretty sure Clint will call their... whatever it is... off. 

Clint breaks the silence first. “Nat? Everything okay?” 

“Stark is going to be completely insufferable,” she says with a sigh. “He’s been trying to find the silver lining of this mistletoe situation. You _know_ he’s going to say the whole thing was worth it since you two finally got your acts together.”

She’s right, damn it. 

Phil’s head thumps forward onto Clint’s shoulder, which is shaking with laughter. 

When Clint calms down they join Pepper and Natasha in the elevator, sneaking out on the residential floor to go to Clint’s rooms. Part of Phil wants to go check on the others, but he mostly wants to enjoy the- the _newness_ of this, the way every touch and look from Clint sends a shiver through him.

He’d feel a little weird about his clingy-ness, except Clint can’t seem to stop touching him either, curling up against Phil’s side when they settle in on his couch. He knows they should talk, about how this changes things and when they want to tell the team, but Clint has turned on Supernanny and has his head on Phil’s shoulder, and so Phil lets his body go lax, sinking down into the cushions.

The logistics can wait.


End file.
